let down

It's been a week of let downs. 

Found out yesterday that the government program I've been trying to get into since June has been discontinued, effective last week.  I was meant to start on December 7th.  This has been a hell of a lot of work for very little intrinsic gain, and now I am out the $20,000 the program was going to pay me while I launched my coaching business for real.

Have also been in a ... um ... slightly diminished state of contact with a few people.  That always pulls on my fear strings, and puts my insecurities under a magnifying glass.  The worst, very worst, most horrible feeling for me in the world is feeling forgotten about.  It can come upon me quickly and is very nearly always completely irrational.  See, if I'm not in a room with you or actively communicating with you at any given moment, I have a sick tendency to believe that there's no way you could actually be thinking about me at all, and whats worse is you might be trying to avoid any future contact with me too.  I know it's weird.  I know it's irrational.  But that's what feelings are, and that's what I feel from time to time.

Interesting thing is, I suspect the universe was preparing me for this in a vague way.  I haven't done any cooking or baking just for the hell of it, in MONTHS.  And yet on Tuesday, I made two casseroles of comfort-y goodness in the form of my mom's recipe of macaroni with real cheese and tomatoes and a crunchy breadcrumb crust on top.  I also made a big batch of chocolate chip cookies.  These have been most helpful in the wallowing stage of this disappointing week.

Next week will be better.